I’m hoping my darlings that you will find it in your hearts to forgive me for leaving you alone for so long. One has not been terribly well I’m afraid. In my defence, had I been struck down with man-flu, obviously I would have been back to my sprightly self in a matter of hours, but unfortunately I was ordered to take complete bed-rest by my rather cute and very young doctor - how could I let him down? Rest assured, I am now very much alive and kicking and have been eagerly smoking out morsels for your delectation. 

And so back to why we are both here. I feel it is no longer safe to turn on one’s plasma screen without being constantly reminded that the elfin Matt Dawson has entered into some sort of golden exclusive contract with the BBC, and this is how our licence fee is being frittered away. At first we encountered him becoming Ally McCoist’s adversary in a Question Of Sport, but this obviously interfered with his rugby schedule to the point where he was actually dropped from the England squad for making filming QS in Manchester a priority over training with the national squad in Aldershot. Despite being allowed back into the fold [I’m sure after eating copious amounts of humble pie], he finally took the decision to retire first from the international arena, and this summer from professional rugby to follow his new career path. Once a week, every Friday, for what seems like eternity, there he was beaming at us, jesting with the opposition, ribbing Sue Barker on her latest sportsman obsession, and we could cope. But then came the summer, and the appearances on the Beeb culminated with Daws on almost prime time 5 nights in a row! Slight overkill, but he did do our beloved rugby proud by winning Celebrity Masterchef, and if you missed it, and have the insupressable urge to hear what he had to say on the matter, have a look at this…Matt Dawson Masterchef.

But enough is enough. Who would have thought he’d go from nine-times England Rugby captain and world cup winning scrum half to strutting a paso doble to an excruciating rendition of Meatloaf’s ‘I Would Do Anything For Love’ in Strictly Come Dancing?! So he has in fact now taken over the Beeb I‘m sure - Friday nights, Saturday night…twice - and at least once during the week on BBC2’s SCD Take Two! However, with his drive and passion to succeed at everything he does, I wouldn’t put it past him to win the competition [even if he doesn’t have the raw sex appeal that oozes out of every pore of the very silent Mark Ramprakash, or the slinky hips of Ray Fearon]. But maybe I am being a little harsh on the poor chap, after all, we could instead be subjected to another quick-witted and highly intelligent England captain like David Beckham[!], or worse still, be regularly confronted by super-mouth Austin Healey! 

Well you’d think after that little rant, I could put my claws away…but wouldn’t that be boring? The Autumn internationals are upon us, and the fun and games begin the first weekend of November in Cardiff and Twickenham. The giants of the southern hemisphere will once more come to mark their territory…Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, the Pacific Islanders and Argentina are upon us [yes I know - and Canada and Romania but I did say giants]. But this begs the question, will New Zealand actually have any supporters at the bright and shiny revamped Twickenham Stadium? Rumour has it that the RFU have thrown all the toys out of their pram because New Zealand won’t play the game England want them to. It goes something like this…the New Zealand Rugby Union are given an official allocation of 2,000 tickets by the RFU for the match. These tickets are then distributed to whosoever the NZRU pleases.

The NZRU are choosing to corporately hospitalise their guests at Kneller Hall [which incidentally you may remember as one of the venues from my Army Navy Game dalliance], a pebble’s throw from the Stadium. But Kneller Hall, despite its proximity to the Stadium, is not an official corporate hospitality provider to the RFU and therefore cannot be officially used according to the RFU. The fact that RFU hospitality is so extortionately priced is neither here nor there. And the fact that the Kiwis have spent £1000’s on just getting here [and leaving no doubt a huge carbon footprint on the planet in the process] is irrelevant too to the RFU. So we now arrive at an impasse. The RFU has 2,000 tickets which they wont release. THE NZRU have no tickets. The match is almost here. I do wish the RFU would learn to play like nice children. If they’re not fighting with Premier Rugby then they pick on the best rugby team in the world today. I’m sure there must be a lovely Montessori school or two in Twickenham where levels of intelligence and fair play can be taught to these Twickenham-ites! 

Don’t for a moment think I’ve finished with the RFU yet though. I did mention the stadium revamp in passing earlier. Pray let me return…the ‘new’ South Stand. Interesting. Would you like to see what it looked like a couple of weeks ago? Notice anything missing? Let’s think about this logically shall we, I know it’s called the South ‘Stand’ but one does expect to sit for the duration of the game so as to conform with Health & Safety regulations etc. etc., but there appear to be no seats. Oh yes, and no roof either. Well, you’ll be glad to know if you do hold a most coveted ticket for the England versus New Zealand massacre [oops - I mean match of course] that the seats have been fitted. The roof, however, is slightly more aloof. Non-existent actually, so don’t forgot your umbrella so you can block the view for everyone else behind you! And talking of Health & Safety regs, another interesting point arises; the seats have only just gone in. The new stand holds 20,000 seats, and of course has to pass the H&S standards for construction, access, emergency evacuation, etc. So obviously one needs to have 20,000 people in the stadium at one time to test that all standards are met correctly, and that in the event of an emergency, all the spectators can safely leave the stadium. But there haven’t been 20,000 people in the stadium yet. So an H&S certificate can’t be issued. But there will be 82,000 people in the stadium on 5th November…and what a day to remember…so how on earth can the safety certificate be issued if there has been no testing? I do wonder how the RFU will get around this little obstacle…but for once I shall say no more… 

I must say we are rather lucky in the England Rugby camp. The RFU are so terribly good at finding ways around obstacles like safety certificates, and player release issues. Poor old Wales will not have its full complement of players for their match against Australia on 4th November, since Premier Rugby have oh so clearly pointed out that the Wales match falls outside of the International Rugby Board window for autumn international matches, and therefore are not obliged to release players under IRB regulations. Premier Rugby have merely conformed with this policy with respect to release of international players since there is a full round of Guinness Premiership matches on this weekend. But interestingly, all the Premiership players for England have been released. It’s a good thing that the RFU are so resourceful, is it not?

Enough of this sniping already! I shall leave you on a positive note my lovelies. If, like me, you are of the persuasion to ally yourself with England as your team of choice and passion [and we are after all still World Champions for another 11 months], you’ll be thrilled to know that our front row is looking superb - Andy Sheridan, George Chuter and Julian White are a formidable trio who if they can manage to break the Kiwi line [not a problem], scrummage [its what they’re paid to do - and they do so brilliantly may I add], we will be outstanding. However, between now and 5th November, they will also have to learn to kick for position and convert [slightly harder], to remove the ball from breakdown and pass between themselves only, to score tries, and defend of course [am I asking too much?], things may become a little more difficult for my beloved England. It’s the rest of the team I worry about…New Zealand might just have a relaxing afternoon don’t you think?!

And here I shall bid you adieu…but I promise to return soon with stories of intrigue and wonderment during the Autumn festivities.