Well my avid fans, of course I was there for you, carrying the metaphorical flag for RFTG - Men In Shorts. And it was quite historical [but for someone of a nervous disposition it might well have been hysterical], with the worst ever recorded defeat of England on home turf. But you know all that already...so instead let me let you in on my experience of the official opening of England's South Stand...

For a start, I almost didn't make it! Thanks to the local Gestapo in my hometown [that's evil traffic wardens in normal speak], I couldn't get the RubesMobile even remotely close to the Stadium, despite it being Sunday and there being an abundance of single yellow lines in Twickenham. So having forced me to park on the other side of London[!], I barely made it to my seat in time to see Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport Tessa Jowell [that'll be that woman who represents that government that has sold off most of our rugby pitches to pay for life coaches for the Cabinet] pop a ball through the posts using some bizarre mechanical contraption - such a thrilling experience too may I tell you. But at least this time she was recognised... in the changing room at Sydney on 22nd November 2003 when we truly were the best team in the world, following the final whistle she made the mistake of walking in to congratulate the boys and was promptly told to clear off by a certain England Rugby world champion! It explains why it had to be made clear over the tannoy system who she was in case she was tackled off the pitch unceremoniously.

Well the stadium was rammed to the rafters [tho truth be told I could see empty seats in the top tier of the South Stand], and during the rousing National Anthem, the North and South Stands collectively created picturesque St George's flags. As the Kiwis haka'd, the sound was drowned out by more than just a few thousand England voices, and with no throat slitting the performance was a little lacklustre. What followed on the pitch - as they say - is history.

As the sun set over Twickenham, and we had been brusquely shown that England has more than just a little work to do before getting close to winning a match, the party was supposed to have started. The official press release from the RFU announced "When the final whistle blows on Sunday's Investec Challenge match between England and New Zealand it will signal the final part of the afternoon's celebrations for Twickenham's highest ever crowd." And so we waited. Following the medal presentation, eventually Girls ‘Mimed’ Aloud came on and lip-synced appallingly to two awful tracks, and shook their booty's out of time. One had to feel a little sorry for them though - I don’t think the poor chart-topping manufactured band had a clue what their manager had thrown them into.

A glimmer of hope shone through as the magnificent G4 belted out the most sublime rendition of Jerusalem, but whilst everyone was hoping for an encore, this happened…

May I once again refer to the official RFU press release prior to the event, "The climax of the afternoon's entertainment is a dazzling 360 degree firework display guaranteed to light up the skies of Twickenham". Hmmmm, there was a fizzle, and if you sneezed you would have missed the ‘dazzling’ display. One would hope since the RFU had managed to raise over £4.5 million in ticket sales, they could have spent a little more than a fiver on the fireworks! What a disappointment. 

But my final word has to go to this man…who will remain nameless - but only because I could not bring myself to speak to him to acquire this information since he had incurred my wrath to such a degree throughout the proceedings of the day. I probably could have been far more descriptive for you about the action on the pitch had I actually been able to see over, under or round  him, but the unusually large chap - I won’t refer to him as a gentleman as he certainly wasn’t - insisted on jumping up and blocking the view for both me and everyone behind me. And how he managed to almost sit in my seat from the row in front, God only knows! So if you do happen to recognize him, do have a word on my behalf…

Well here’s to Saturday and those beautiful Argentinians who will take the stage and try to add to the misery of England - our worst run so far in 34 years. And with 14 of their 15 man line-up currently playing in England [6], France [6] or Ireland [1], you can bet they have quite a good handle on our capability. If you can spare a second or two, do say a little prayer for our boys…they’re going to need all the help they can get.